I never thought I’d have a man who loved me so dearly
I never thought I’d have a man who gave me more reassurance than I truly needed
For months I felt unlovable
I felt that everything I did was unlovable
I didn’t know that my soul could be so warm and my heart no longer bare
My eyes never looked so bright
My soul never felt so pure
I considered never trying for love
Never fighting
I never really thought love was worth fighting for
Until I looked into his eyes and I realized I’d be ready for war Everything else scared me but his heart didn’t
He made me feel special
He made me feel worthwhile
Something I didn’t know I was capable of feeling
I thank him for saving me
Saving me in every way that a person can be saved.

My mind takes longer to process thoughts as it overthinks every single word spoken
My mind replays everything in life and I only have left one token I try to understand what people are saying and believe it’s not meant to hurt me

But when you say “nothings wrong I promise” my mind refuses to agree
There are times I don’t know why I’m angry or upset, that I’m still struggling to accept.

When people meet me I let them know how my mind thinks and how easily over every word I sweat
They still say they can deal and understand it-that they’ll regret. There are moments I have tears falling down my face and I’m trying not to choke on my words and random turn arounds where all my laughs and cheers can be heard.

I’ve begged my mind not to think like this for years now,
It smiles back and tells me that true happiness they can’t allow.
I distract myself with so much work to get my mind off of all this overthinking,
Days where my morning begins with heavy drinking.
I then have days where all there is are smiles, people pleaser at heart
Days where my mind feels beautiful- my favorite piece of art.
I work on myself and my thoughts day by day
Praying that heavy thoughts aren’t the reason my mind will decay.

To the one who catches my heart and chooses to hold onto it for eternity
I cannot deny and say that no nights will I be crying on the bedside because the way you said I love you too didn’t sound the same... didn’t sound as meaningful as the night before
There are nights where I won’t speak at all
And others where all I ask is questions
I tend to constantly feed on reassurance and not that it’s anyone’s fault but my own
There will be nights where I feel impossible to handle
But be reminded that I’m also to much to loose and impossible to replace
There will be nights where my mind tells me how you hate me but forgive me for it’s only getting me to hate myself
Nights where I feel as though you’re cheating when you’re right there holding my hand as it begins to sweat into yours because the voices inside my head can’t bare to see me happy
Nights where my tears last longer than minutes
And my thoughts become repetitive
Nights when I ask myself a loud why do I think the way I do and nights where I argue why you’d still be with me
Nights where my voice trembles upon saying I believe you and I trust you
And nights where I shout how I can’t do any of those
Nights where I beg for forgiveness even tho there is nothing I should be forgiven of
Nights where my sanity isn’t there
There will be moments when I repeat myself and it’s not because I forget it’s because I try to force it into my rejectful mind
There will be times when I stay up all night contemplating my sorrows and wonder why you’re still here
Nights I feel great
Nights I let you touch me with the lights on instead of off and nights I can’t beg but to have you kept away from me.
Nights where it feels impossible to love and I’m impossible to be loved
Nights where I say I love you and I know I mean it but when you say it back it sounds unfamiliar
There will always be nights like that
But mornings, mornings no
I can’t help but to love you in the daylight
To see the sunlight reflect off our windows and onto your cheek- bone
The mornings I bring you breakfast in bed and your “I love yous” sound like forever
Mornings your promises all sound real and my mind knows to believe them
Mornings where you tell me how lucky you are
Mornings where all I wanna do is glue the ring to my finger There will be mornings when all reassurance is present and I know how much you care
Mornings the “I love you’s” sounds like music in my ears and your lips feel like loyalty
But then it becomes night again
And there will be nights... many nights.