Don’t blame the creakiness of an old house on the fact that there is a ghost about. Of course, there is a ghost about (there always is), but it need not be mentioned only as an excuse, and then thrown away. The topic must be discussed. Sit down with your family or your roommates or your dog and ask why is there a ghost in the house?

And don’t come up with a silly excuse, like “oh, maybe someone left the porch door ajar one night and a ghost flew in with the breeze.” Though this will surely end the conversation, everyone knows that that is not how ghosts enter a home. Rather, a ghost will enter a home when it is called for, when someone leaves something like a stray crumb on the floor, and whether they knew it or not, they did it on purpose, because their heart wished for a ghost to come and trace the scent. Their heart wished for the creaking song of a ghost slivering in through the cracks in the wall, so that they could turn to their mother or their sister or their roommate or their dog and say, “did you hear that?” This is likely because no one in the house has said very much in a while.

And once something is said, then many more words will follow. The ghost will make sure of this. It will wiggle the drying rack while people are sleeping, and it will shut drawers louder than anyone ever means to. Suddenly, not only the person who called upon the ghost will be asking about the noise, but everyone will. Mother and father, sister and brother, girlfriend and boyfriend alike will be set abuzz by the small inconvenience of ever-present sound. Even the pets will paw at the air when the ghost makes its presence known.

Houses with ghosts are hardly ever quiet. That is both the best and the worst part. Some of the ruckus must be heard, but it also might be ugly. People may scream; this is normal with a ghost in the house. People might pray to the ceiling tiles to “get that damn ghost out of here!” (The same people may very likely make just as much noise as the ghost.) However, some other people may try to escape. They may take all of the sound as an excuse to become as quiet as possible, so that they can slip into the night with the suitcase that they keep packed under the bed. This is most common with dutiful fathers and young, rambunctious daughters who keep their hair closely cropped. These are the ones to look out for.

Don’t go looking for the people who run from the ghost. They are not strong enough to come back home. Or, some- times, they just need space. Either way, don’t get too close. But I am asking you, who is reading this and maybe think- ing that these ghostly symptoms sound all too familiar, to not run from your home. Sure, the pipes might be creakier than they were before, and your mother might yell more than she should, and these things are not pleasant. But they are happening. In the here and now, there is a ghost in your house. What are you going to do about it?